Breaking news: We’re all doing our best. I’m kind of ok, You’re kind of ok. And maybe we’ll all be even more ok both individually and as a whole after this crisis.

But how are we really doing?

The answer seems to be that we’re coping with the stress of the COVID-19 pandemic. And we have some moments when we’re more ok than others. I just watched Tom Hanks’s opening monologue (taped from his home) on this week’s SNL. He says we’re in this for the duration. “The duration” doesn’t tell us much, though, does it? If you’re like me, you can deal with being stuck at home for awhile, but not knowing when this will be over is what is so hard. Also, what does “when this will be over” even mean? This virus won’t just decide to be over. It isn’t as simple as the president seems to want it to be. Like a toddler, he really likes for things to be right or wrong, black or white, this or that, open or closed. “Invisible enemy” and “reopen our country” were a couple of the last phrases I heard him say (I can only tolerate his narcissistic bullshit in bits and pieces).

I guess we often expect leaders to simplify complex situations in order to make us feel better. But I think humans deserve to know the truth, and I do think we can handle it. That doesn’t mean it will be easy. Change is difficult, AND we can get through it. Is it pretty? No, it’s exhausting. Aren’t you completely drained from all of this staying at home? But does this mean you aren’t coping? NO!

Coping does not equal doing great. Coping means you’re getting through it one day at a time (or minute by minute, if necessary).

Regardless of whether or not the curve has begun to flatten, our way of life is likely going to be different from now on in many ways. Let’s embrace the changes that will make us healthier. Why strive to “get back to normal” when we can evolve to be better than before?

Let’s take a look at some ways this crisis may end up improving our physical health, mental health, and overall societal well-being:

- See ya, handshakes. Let’s get better at using our words. 

To be honest, I’m fine with a little more social distance, but I’m introverted and highly sensitive, so this is simply how I roll. Nothing personal, but I never really loved grasping another person’s hand (except my husband’s or child’s, and even that makes me cringe if I think about it too much). We’ve known hands are disgusting for a long time thanks for Ignaz Semmelweis, so why this greeting is still a thing completely baffles me. Humans are so weirdly stubborn when it comes to social norms, aren’t we? These kinds of cultural shifts take a loooong time, even when we know how stupid we’re being. Yes, you can replace a handshake with the Vulcan salute or peace sign if you need a gesture. Or you can use your voice to say words like, “Hi, good to see you. How ya been?” 

- Distributed work can be more productive and enjoyable than being stuck in an office (as long as parents have childcare, of course, but right now they don’t so it’s pretty difficult). 

When you have fewer distractions, if meetings are conducted effectively, and you have the freedom to do your work during times that are conducive to doing your best work, you may feel more satisfied about the quality of your work. If you love your job and are good at it, you will be happier overall. You will likely enjoy your downtime more than you do when work is nagging you in your head. But remember, we’re talking about lessons to take away from all of this. Right now, you are just doing your best. And your best is different from day to day.

And if you’re a healthcare worker, a grocery store employee, a restaurant server who is now delivering takeout, or other essential savior, thank you. Your work, too, has been distributed from the way you previously experienced it to the current extremely more stressful way.

If you’re a new mom, you were already probably feeling isolated with that tiny human who constantly needs you for something and makes it nearly impossible to sleep, much less leave the house. But now you also have the finances to worry about, the pandemic news coverage, a partner hanging around all the time, and perhaps uncertainty about what the end of your maternity leave means with all of this going on. Motherhood is plenty difficult without a virus sweeping the globe, so you have to be extra patient with yourself and your ‘work from home’ reality. Talk to your child’s pediatrician or your OBGYN about how you’re feeling. Check out Postpartum International’s extensive resources and online support groups for additional help. Or contact me if you’re in North Carolina and you’re seeking professional counseling.

My work has also been impacted. I am now seeing clients from my makeshift office corner of the bonus room that is also now a homeschool classroom in addition to its original purposes: laundry room, play room, exercise facility, and storage room. I’ve scheduled virtual sessions mostly in the afternoons and evenings after my son has completed his school assignments. His dad’s work schedule has been drastically reduced, so he comes home around lunchtime. I’m both grateful for our privileged lifestyle and flexibility and frustrated with the constant interruptions and lack of personal space.

- Hey, we do need each other!

On a recent episode of Sam Harris’s Making Sense podcast, he talks to Laurie Santos about her research on happiness and the difference between being happy with your life and being happy in your life. Among a long list of insightful findings, Dr. Santos has discovered that it’s the seemingly trivial interactions that people are missing. Who knew the conversation you have with your barista or the brief exchange with that stranger while waiting in line would impact us so significantly? But it does indeed make sense when you consider how much of our lives are spent inside our own heads. Those little bits of socializing probably keep us grounded in the present before our anxiety quickly leads us back to worrying about the past or future. Even while social distancing, try to find a moment here or there to ask how someone’s day is going and be interested in their response. Perhaps while you’re out frantically getting groceries, smile at someone from at least six feet away and comment on the weather or being shocked that the store is still out of pickles. They’ll be able to see from your eyes that you’re smiling behind that mask. 

I found an odd sense of relief that Dr. Santos’s findings probably mean it’s ok that I’m super annoyed with my family members right now. After all, it’s the connection with strangers I’m missing, not extra quality time with the people I love most.

- Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Instead of seeing a stay at home order as an attempt to take away our freedom, there are more constructive ways to frame it: a sacrifice for the health of humanity, being a part of something bigger than ourselves, admitting that we don’t know everything, taking a moment to slow down and think about the consequences of our actions, confronting our fear of boredom, and having to push through or wait out discomfort. It’s ok to acknowledge when you’re struggling and exhausted from this adjustment. Maybe you need to express how hard all of this is by talking to a therapist, writing, facetiming a friend, painting or other artistic expression, or having a good cry.

Part of healthy coping is to be mindful (gently paying attention with your senses) of the icky feelings. It’s natural to be sad and angry when unexpected circumstances arise. It’s upsetting and frustrating when it feels like the world is on fire. Notice these emotions, and be aware of the physical sensations you’re feeling in your body. Close your eyes and inhale and exhale slowly for about five breaths. Progressive muscle relaxation and meditation are also helpful. Don’t tell yourself to not worry or that you shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling. Honor that you are both feeling shitty and able to manage, but it isn’t a one-and-done kind of deal. Try not to judge the emotional response. It is what it is. And it will change. Nothing is permanent. If you’re interested in learning to meditate, the Waking Up app is chock full of lessons, tips, meditations for children, commentary, and discussions with experts. Just remember, meditation is a practice, not something you check off your list of accomplishments. It’s a coping tool that you can incorporate into your daily routine when life is super stressful and when it isn’t. When you carve out time to consistently practice something that is relaxing and just for you, you set yourself up to successfully meet the challenges the world will throw your way.

- Appreciation for the benefits of physical exercise.

There’s nothing like being stuck at home to make you want to take a walk outside. Whether it’s having more time on our hands or needing to get away from the people who live with us, it seems like folks are moving more. I’m not sure what the actual data has to say on this. It could be that people who typically enjoy the gym or fitness classes are now taking their workouts outside or online, but whatever is really happening, your efforts to self-quarantine can be an opportunity to make physical exercise a part of your routine. We all know moving is important for overall health, and getting your heart rate up is particularly effective for managing anxiety. Engaging in cardiovascular exercise when you are feeling anxious may send a signal to your brain that you’re safe (in ancient brain terms, you’ve obviously moved quickly to get away from the lion that was about to eat you) and it can calm down, completing the flight/flight/freeze circuit. You can get your heart rate up enough with a brisk 30 minute walk around your neighborhood, by running up and down the steps of your apartment building, or by having a dance party in your living room. 

Comment below and let me know how ok you are right now, one way you’re coping with the pandemic stress, and any suggestions for mental health topics you’d like me to write about.

Remember that you don’t have to wait for the crisis is over to get some professional support. Therapists have embraced technology like never before and are offering secure and confidential sessions online.