Good Moms Don’t Always Love Motherhood

Mother’s Day has come and gone for another year. But that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to take care of and support moms. After all, it’s still Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month.

One of my favorite ways to support women is to allow a safe place to be completely honest about how overwhelming and difficult life is when you are a mother. It’s very important to acknowledge how things really are.

Not as a competition or in a judgmental way.

Not in a positive or negative / good or bad way.

And not to feed into more negativity.

Just talking about it truthfully because the truth matters, and I think it’s helpful to look at things rationally (i.e. This and that, not either/or.)

So here is my take on being a mother. I do not love it most of the time. There, I said it. I don’t like being responsible for other people. It’s a lot of pressure. And you know what, I continue to do it anyway.

When I feel like I’m failing, I try to gently remind myself that being a mom is hard, complicated, unscripted work. And I’m hoping that what I express here reaches another woman who is feeling similarly and beating herself up about not loving motherhood.

We are not saints. We do make sacrifices, but who doesn’t? We have to be very intentional about how we go about caring for ourselves, recognizing that mothering doesn’t have to be martyrdom. 

Here are a few of the most challenging parts of motherhood for me. Remember, these may not be true for you, or they may be kind of true for you, or you may feel like I’m spying on your innermost thoughts.

1. Constant interruptions

As a highly sensitive introvert, this is probably the most irritating part of this journey and something I’ve never fully been able to embrace. Maybe I’ll get there. And if I don’t, it’s ok.

I can acknowledge what I don’t like, put up with it, and savor the rare moments that are uninterrupted.

When children are tiny, you really feel like a prisoner to their hunger, moods, and bowel movements. At any point, they could vomit, spike a fever, scream at you, or awake from a two hour slumber, leaving you both thankful and furious that you squandered the time on YouTube instead of exercising, napping, or literally anything else more productive.

More on these conflicting emotions in a moment. 

As your child grows up and becomes more independent, parenting changes. It isn’t as demanding in the same ways, but it’s still challenging.

You won’t hold your child for hours while they’re sick, but you will still have to leave work early when the school nurse calls to tell you your child has vomited and is running a fever. 

2. Being responsible for another human being’s physical, emotional, and educational wellbeing

I had a lot of time between the age of 20-ish and 35 to do what I wanted (within reason). Sure, I made tons of stupid decisions, dated the wrong guys, worked in unfulfilling jobs, and spent money on unwise purchases, but I managed to learn from the consequences.

I was responsible for myself only. Molding another human’s sense of responsibility, morality, values, and wellbeing? That’s a lot of pressure. I frequently remind myself that much of this development happens naturally, and my job is really to step back and allow it.

It’s terrible to hear your child express how their feelings were hurt when no one wanted to play with him at recess. Your heart aches, and you want to strangle the kid who told your child he was going to hell for not believing in god. (I thought my head was going to explode; let me know if you want that full story.)

Part of my responsibility as a mother is teaching my son to be socially conscious and use his voice.

My role is to encourage my son to ask questions, think critically, seek to understand others, be curious about the world, express his feelings, cope when things don’t go his way, and communicate assertively (especially to people who try to force their beliefs on him).

My job is to take my son to the doctor when he’s sick and to get him vaccinated at the recommended times. To visit the doctor annually for well visits to make sure his development is headed in the right direction. 

My job is to make sure he gets the attention he needs from his teachers and to encourage him to ask questions and speak up when he’s confused about something. My job is also to advocate for fairness and diversity. 

Most importantly, my job is to love my child and make sure he knows it by communicating it in healthy, respectful ways so that he grows up to do the same for the people he loves.

When I found out I was having a boy, I recall staring at the ultrasound image and thinking to myself, “OH NO, HOW DO I MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T GROW UP TO BE AN ASSHOLE?!?” This remains my biggest fear.

It’s overwhelming to have all of this on my plate. But it’s what I signed up for. You can’t fully understand how demanding this part of the job is until you’re doing it. 

3. NEVER being off the clock

Sure, you get breaks. If you have a supportive spouse, family members, and other childcare providers, you may often have time to work, hang out with your friends, participate in a hobby, exercise, or even enjoy an occasional mom-cation. But your kid is still your responsibility.

Motherhood is full of these conflicting situations: 

You can’t wait for the sitter to come over so you and partner can have a date night. During the date night, you check your phone every ten minutes to be sure the sitter hasn’t tried to reach you. 

Your partner lets you sleep late on Saturday, and it’s incredibly helpful to have a few extra hours of rest. When you wake up, you feel the stress of all the things you could have accomplished if you hadn’t slept in. 

Weekends just aren’t the same when you have a family. Enough said on this one. 

Part of the adjustment to parenthood involves accepting the new definitions of ‘breaks’ and ‘vacations’ and ‘time off.’ You never get to just do what you want. There’s always a little human being depending on you for something.

You still get to relax and have interests that are yours, but these things look very different than they did in your previous life. It’s ok to have a hard time with it. 

4. Feeling the need to add “I mean, of course, I love my child, but . . .“ 

Can’t we all just agree that loving your child ≠ enjoying your child? In my experience, children are some of the most difficult people to enjoy. They learn by exploring the world, and this means that without supervision, they will surely injure themselves or worse.

They are incapable of managing their emotions, a skill that takes years and years to master. I love my child, and he annoys the shit out of me. BOTH are true. I love my child, and I need time away from him. Same goes for my spouse. 

One of many heartfelt messages I’ve received from my son since he discovered an old labelmaker.

There are so many ways to be a good mother. Good mothers don’t have to breastfeed their newborn.

Good mothers send their babies to daycare.

Good mothers don’t volunteer for the school PTA.

Good mothers don’t host a birthday party every year.

AND other good mothers do do all of these things.

Good mothers get frustrated with their children.

Good mothers fantasize about a life without children.

Good mothers dream of running away from it all. As Karen Kleiman says in the title of her wonderful book, Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts.

If you take nothing else from this post, remember this one thing: BOTH/AND (not either/or). Two very different feelings can be true at the same time.

You can be BOTH completely in love with your child AND extremely frustrated that he or she won’t sleep through the night.

You can want to be BOTH a mother AND a _________ (pharmacist, doctor, marketing executive, entrepreneur, teacher, nurse, landscaper, aspiring YouTube star, real estate agent, CEO, therapist, crafting enthusiast, skydiver, . . .)

You can want BOTH a family trip to the mountains AND a romantic getaway without your kid (and a solo retreat for yourself to recover!)

5. Playing pretend

I understand the importance of play, and I love certain types of play. I enjoy shooting hoops with my family. Just a friendly loose game of taking turns dribbling and shooting, maybe even a round or two of H-O-R-S-E. 

I also love card games and board games. I love drawing and coloring. I love Mad Libs and puzzles.

Watching my son perform a play he’s written with his stuffed animals or play a song he wrote on his keyboard are also truly joyous ways to spend time. 

I did not love playing pretend. I found it very taxing. As an anxious introvert, I have a hard time with on-the-spot spontaneous creativity.

Playing pretend is basically improv, and I have never had the desire to do that. Did I do it anyway? Sometimes.

When he was younger, I’d allow my son to lead us on a journey or quest into the woods or a tour of his “castle grounds.” I’d push myself to go along with being a student in his classroom. But it’s really draining, and I didn’t enjoy it. 

Final thoughts

So what am I saying here? I’m encouraging you to acknowledge and accept your feelings and unique preferences. And I’m saying do your best to cope with the stuff that comes along with the mothering gig that you don’t really like.

It’s a part of the job, but it doesn’t have to define your version of the mom life.

Don’t compare your wants, desires, situation, feelings, and thoughts to those of other women. Remember Amy Poehler’s mantra from her book, Yes, Please: “Good for her, not for me.”

Think about your values, what matters for you and your family, what you want to teach your child about living a full life. And then figure out how to create this life with gratitude that you are amazing because you are YOU. Your plan won’t be perfect. But it will be yours. 

Please comment and let me know what you despise about motherhood! Let’s rant a little together AND celebrate the joy with gratitude. I can’t wait to find out if we hate all the same things!

If you live in NC or SC and would like to work with me on learning to cope with the stress of motherhood, send me a message or schedule a free consultation call.