Mental Health, Postpartum Kayce Hodos Mental Health, Postpartum Kayce Hodos

The #1 Complication of Childbirth May Surprise You

Most people are shocked to learn that the answer is Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs), an umbrella term used to refer to postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, pregnancy/postpartum OCD, PTSD, insomnia, postpartum psychosis, and postpartum bipolar.

Of course, we tend to hear more about postpartum depression than the others, but I think the word perinatal is particularly effective in relaying the time period when these mental health concerns may arise.

Perinatal refers to the entire pregnancy and the full year after childbirth. That's a long time, but I'd go as far as to say years 0-5 of baby's life are the most mentally challenging for mothers (and why I decided one-and-done was the way to go for me).

It’s important to know that the symptoms aren’t always clear cut. You may be feeling scattered, overwhelmed, tearful, disappointed, and a bunch of other emotions.

You also may be having dark thoughts that seem unlike anything that would typically cross your mind. Some women describe them as vivid because they can imagine them so clearly, but they’re very disturbing in nature. We call these intrusive thoughts, and they’re a common symptom of postpartum OCD, but they can also occur as part of other PMADs, including during pregnancy.

Remember: Perinatal = pregnancy AND the entire year after giving birth.

If I'd had this information, you can bet I would've spent way more time on my postpartum plan than my birth plan, and I'd like to think I would've been more open to asking for and accepting help.

If you’re thinking “NO KIDDING!” and you’d like some support with your adjustment to motherhood, schedule a free consultation call, and we’ll see if we’re a good fit.

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Postpartum, Mental Health Kayce Hodos Postpartum, Mental Health Kayce Hodos

Show Notes + Resources from the Mindful Mom-To-Be Audio Series (AKA The Everything Page)

Proactive Pregnancy = Peaceful Postpartum

Welcome to the Everything Page for the “Mindful Mom-To-Be” audio series! If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can do that here.

You’ll find all resources discussed on the podcast listed below by episode. If you don’t see something you’re looking for, shoot me an email and let me know, or message me on Instagram.

Professional Mental Health Support

This audio series is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Read on for free and confidential resources.

TTY users can use a preferred relay service or dial 711 and then 1-833-852-6262.

Episode 1: Nutrition + Perinatal Mental Health with Katie Gantt

We're all aware of how our appetite can affect our mood. (Hangry, anyone? ) Nutrition during pregnancy and postpartum is Katie Gantt's passion, and she's giving us the lowdown on what a nutritionist is, how she serves expectant mothers, the ways nutrition can impact mental health, and tips for prioritizing your needs.

Connect with Katie:

Episode 2: The Many Benefits of Hiring a Doula with Aida Algarin

Aida Algarin on why hiring a doula can benefit new parents in many ways doula working with pregnant mother in background

Considering a doula? This conversation with Aida Algarin of Central Carolinas Doulas of Fayetteville, NC, should help with your decision.

Aida tells us how having a doula's support can play a key role in your perinatal mental health. We discuss doula history, what to look for when hiring a doula, the many kinds of support doulas provide for expectant families, and so much more.

Connect with Aida + Resources:

Episode 3: Sleep + Your Mental Health with Jen Varela

guest sleep expert Jen Varela on how newborn sleep actually works yawning baby background

Ah, sleep! Yes, your relationship with sleep changes forever when you become a parent, BUT there are some things you can do to grab those zzzs and give your baby the gift of a healthy sleep routine. Jen Varela knows her stuff, and her passion for supporting new parents is obvious if you've ever heard her speak on this topic.

In this episode, we discuss tips and expectations, why newborns have the weirdest sleep habits ever, and the link between sleep and your mental health. You and your partner will both need to listen to this and save it for later (typically, when baby is around 4-5 months, at the earliest)!

Connect with Jen + Resources:

Episode 4: Breastfeeding 101 with Lorraine Rocco

Lorraine Rocco talks about proactive steps during pregnancy to prepare for breastfeeding problem solving baby and mom in background

If you're planning to breastfeed, you want someone like Lorraine in your corner! She's kind and warm, and she knows her stuff.

She takes an evidence-based approach to helping new moms resolve their breastfeeding worries, and she has extra training in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs), so she has all the bases covered when it comes to educating women on the impact that lactation can have on their mental health.

Lorraine drops facts and dispels myths all over the place, and we are here for it!

Connect with Lorraine + Resources:

Episode 5: Baby Proofing Your Pet with Jen Shryock

Jen Shryock helps new parents prepare for helping dogs adjust safely to baby. dog on sofa in background

I'm so excited to spread the word about Jen Shryock and her amazing organization, Family Paws.

Jen and her team have been helping families transition from pet parents to parents with pets since 2002. You can hear how passionate she is about her work and prevention.

Educating yourself about how to safely bring baby home to meet your dog should be on your prep list, and Jen makes it so simple with her team of trained Dog Aware educators.

Connect with Jen + Resources:

Episode 6: Supporting Dads + Partners with Dr. Dan Singley

We couldn't have a postpartum mental health prep podcast without an episode all about dads and partners!

Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) affect fathers, too, at a surprising rate. We tend to have some harmful stereotypes when it comes to a partner's role in becoming a parent, and Dr. Dan Singley is here to enlighten us.

We bust myths, we talk relationship maintenance strategies, and much more.

Connect with Dan + Resources:

Episode 7: Boundaries, Expectations, + PMADs with Kayce Hodos

Kayce Hodos on the importance of setting boundaries and clarifying expectations during pregnancy to lower risk of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders sleeping baby in background

This episode is a solo experience with yours truly. I'm sharing a little about my own story and discussing the benefits of setting boundaries and expectations with family, friends, your partner, and yourself. Plus some real talk about the lowering your risk of PMADs and easing your transition to parenthood.

Connect with me + Resources:

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Good Moms Don’t Always Love Motherhood

One of my favorite ways to support women is to allow a safe place to be completely honest about how overwhelming and difficult life is when you are a mother. It’s very important to acknowledge how things really are. Not as a competition or in a judgmental way. Not in a positive or negative / good or bad way. And not to feed into more negativity. Just talking about it truthfully because the truth matters, and I think it’s helpful to look at things rationally (i.e. This and that, not either/or.)

Mother’s Day has come and gone for another year. But that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to take care of and support moms. After all, it’s still Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month.

One of my favorite ways to support women is to allow a safe place to be completely honest about how overwhelming and difficult life is when you are a mother. It’s very important to acknowledge how things really are.

Not as a competition or in a judgmental way.

Not in a positive or negative / good or bad way.

And not to feed into more negativity.

Just talking about it truthfully because the truth matters, and I think it’s helpful to look at things rationally (i.e. This and that, not either/or.)

So here is my take on being a mother. I do not love it most of the time. There, I said it. I don’t like being responsible for other people. It’s a lot of pressure. And you know what, I continue to do it anyway.

When I feel like I’m failing, I try to gently remind myself that being a mom is hard, complicated, unscripted work. And I’m hoping that what I express here reaches another woman who is feeling similarly and beating herself up about not loving motherhood.

We are not saints. We do make sacrifices, but who doesn’t? We have to be very intentional about how we go about caring for ourselves, recognizing that mothering doesn’t have to be martyrdom. 

Here are a few of the most challenging parts of motherhood for me. Remember, these may not be true for you, or they may be kind of true for you, or you may feel like I’m spying on your innermost thoughts.

1. Constant interruptions

As a highly sensitive introvert, this is probably the most irritating part of this journey and something I’ve never fully been able to embrace. Maybe I’ll get there. And if I don’t, it’s ok.

I can acknowledge what I don’t like, put up with it, and savor the rare moments that are uninterrupted.

When children are tiny, you really feel like a prisoner to their hunger, moods, and bowel movements. At any point, they could vomit, spike a fever, scream at you, or awake from a two hour slumber, leaving you both thankful and furious that you squandered the time on YouTube instead of exercising, napping, or literally anything else more productive.

More on these conflicting emotions in a moment. 

As your child grows up and becomes more independent, parenting changes. It isn’t as demanding in the same ways, but it’s still challenging.

You won’t hold your child for hours while they’re sick, but you will still have to leave work early when the school nurse calls to tell you your child has vomited and is running a fever. 

2. Being responsible for another human being’s physical, emotional, and educational wellbeing

I had a lot of time between the age of 20-ish and 35 to do what I wanted (within reason). Sure, I made tons of stupid decisions, dated the wrong guys, worked in unfulfilling jobs, and spent money on unwise purchases, but I managed to learn from the consequences.

I was responsible for myself only. Molding another human’s sense of responsibility, morality, values, and wellbeing? That’s a lot of pressure. I frequently remind myself that much of this development happens naturally, and my job is really to step back and allow it.

It’s terrible to hear your child express how their feelings were hurt when no one wanted to play with him at recess. Your heart aches, and you want to strangle the kid who told your child he was going to hell for not believing in god. (I thought my head was going to explode; let me know if you want that full story.)

Part of my responsibility as a mother is teaching my son to be socially conscious and use his voice.

Part of my responsibility as a mother is teaching my son to be socially conscious and use his voice.

My role is to encourage my son to ask questions, think critically, seek to understand others, be curious about the world, express his feelings, cope when things don’t go his way, and communicate assertively (especially to people who try to force their beliefs on him).

My job is to take my son to the doctor when he’s sick and to get him vaccinated at the recommended times. To visit the doctor annually for well visits to make sure his development is headed in the right direction. 

My job is to make sure he gets the attention he needs from his teachers and to encourage him to ask questions and speak up when he’s confused about something. My job is also to advocate for fairness and diversity. 

Most importantly, my job is to love my child and make sure he knows it by communicating it in healthy, respectful ways so that he grows up to do the same for the people he loves.

When I found out I was having a boy, I recall staring at the ultrasound image and thinking to myself, “OH NO, HOW DO I MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T GROW UP TO BE AN ASSHOLE?!?” This remains my biggest fear.

It’s overwhelming to have all of this on my plate. But it’s what I signed up for. You can’t fully understand how demanding this part of the job is until you’re doing it. 

3. NEVER being off the clock

Sure, you get breaks. If you have a supportive spouse, family members, and other childcare providers, you may often have time to work, hang out with your friends, participate in a hobby, exercise, or even enjoy an occasional mom-cation. But your kid is still your responsibility.

Motherhood is full of these conflicting situations: 

You can’t wait for the sitter to come over so you and partner can have a date night. During the date night, you check your phone every ten minutes to be sure the sitter hasn’t tried to reach you. 

Your partner lets you sleep late on Saturday, and it’s incredibly helpful to have a few extra hours of rest. When you wake up, you feel the stress of all the things you could have accomplished if you hadn’t slept in. 

Weekends just aren’t the same when you have a family. Enough said on this one. 

Part of the adjustment to parenthood involves accepting the new definitions of ‘breaks’ and ‘vacations’ and ‘time off.’ You never get to just do what you want. There’s always a little human being depending on you for something.

You still get to relax and have interests that are yours, but these things look very different than they did in your previous life. It’s ok to have a hard time with it. 

4. Feeling the need to add “I mean, of course, I love my child, but . . .“ 

Can’t we all just agree that loving your child ≠ enjoying your child? In my experience, children are some of the most difficult people to enjoy. They learn by exploring the world, and this means that without supervision, they will surely injure themselves or worse.

They are incapable of managing their emotions, a skill that takes years and years to master. I love my child, and he annoys the shit out of me. BOTH are true. I love my child, and I need time away from him. Same goes for my spouse. 

One of many heartfelt messages I’ve received from my son since he discovered an old labelmaker.

One of many heartfelt messages I’ve received from my son since he discovered an old labelmaker.

There are so many ways to be a good mother. Good mothers don’t have to breastfeed their newborn.

Good mothers send their babies to daycare.

Good mothers don’t volunteer for the school PTA.

Good mothers don’t host a birthday party every year.

AND other good mothers do do all of these things.

Good mothers get frustrated with their children.

Good mothers fantasize about a life without children.

Good mothers dream of running away from it all. As Karen Kleiman says in the title of her wonderful book, Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts.

If you take nothing else from this post, remember this one thing: BOTH/AND (not either/or). Two very different feelings can be true at the same time.

You can be BOTH completely in love with your child AND extremely frustrated that he or she won’t sleep through the night.

You can want to be BOTH a mother AND a _________ (pharmacist, doctor, marketing executive, entrepreneur, teacher, nurse, landscaper, aspiring YouTube star, real estate agent, CEO, therapist, crafting enthusiast, skydiver, . . .)

You can want BOTH a family trip to the mountains AND a romantic getaway without your kid (and a solo retreat for yourself to recover!)

5. Playing pretend

I understand the importance of play, and I love certain types of play. I enjoy shooting hoops with my family. Just a friendly loose game of taking turns dribbling and shooting, maybe even a round or two of H-O-R-S-E. 

I also love card games and board games. I love drawing and coloring. I love Mad Libs and puzzles.

Watching my son perform a play he’s written with his stuffed animals or play a song he wrote on his keyboard are also truly joyous ways to spend time. 

I did not love playing pretend. I found it very taxing. As an anxious introvert, I have a hard time with on-the-spot spontaneous creativity.

Playing pretend is basically improv, and I have never had the desire to do that. Did I do it anyway? Sometimes.

When he was younger, I’d allow my son to lead us on a journey or quest into the woods or a tour of his “castle grounds.” I’d push myself to go along with being a student in his classroom. But it’s really draining, and I didn’t enjoy it. 

Final thoughts

So what am I saying here? I’m encouraging you to acknowledge and accept your feelings and unique preferences. And I’m saying do your best to cope with the stuff that comes along with the mothering gig that you don’t really like.

It’s a part of the job, but it doesn’t have to define your version of the mom life.

Don’t compare your wants, desires, situation, feelings, and thoughts to those of other women. Remember Amy Poehler’s mantra from her book, Yes, Please: “Good for her, not for me.”

Think about your values, what matters for you and your family, what you want to teach your child about living a full life. And then figure out how to create this life with gratitude that you are amazing because you are YOU. Your plan won’t be perfect. But it will be yours. 

Please comment and let me know what you despise about motherhood! Let’s rant a little together AND celebrate the joy with gratitude. I can’t wait to find out if we hate all the same things!

If you live in NC or SC and would like to work with me on learning to cope with the stress of motherhood, send me a message or schedule a free consultation call. 

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Mental Health, Postpartum Kayce Hodos Mental Health, Postpartum Kayce Hodos

Ten Realistic Strategies For Managing Postpartum Anxiety (Even During A Global Crisis)

t may be difficult to recall your life before the COVID-19 pandemic, but if you struggled with anxiety pre-global-crisis, then your stress response is surely turned up to 11 now. And if you have given birth in the last six months to a year, then your life already may have involved a lot of social isolation.

There is no secret cure for anxiety. The good news is that your brain has everything it needs to learn how to help you manage this shit storm of anxiety.

These tips are in no particular order. If I had to sort them, I’d probably put sleep first, but since this is an article for moms (and there’s currently a global pandemic), I’ll aim for realistic and start with the strategies that might be more doable than a good night’s rest. Let’s get started!

You got this, and you aren’t alone.

You got this, and you aren’t alone.

It may be difficult to recall your life before the COVID-19 pandemic, but if you struggled with anxiety pre-global-crisis, then your stress response is surely turned up to 11 now. And if you have given birth in the last six months to a year, then your life already may have involved a lot of social isolation. If you’ve been experiencing intrusive thoughts (they can get pretty dark but are not suicidal) and overwhelming nervousness and irritability, you may be struggling with postpartum anxiety (or a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder, to use the most recent terminology). In case you aren’t aware of the statistics, as many as 6% of women experience anxiety during pregnancy, and around 10% of new mothers develop anxiety in the first year after giving birth. I would bet these numbers are even higher given the stigma around coming clean about the dark side of motherhood. 

Reminding you that you aren’t alone is the main reason I even mention the data here. It’s validating when we find out other women are having a hard time. Women who are anxious tend to get distracted by details, so we aren’t going to start analyzing the statistics. Just know that you can stop googling “Is there something wrong with me?” Our cultural expectations of women and the lack of support for them is a huge part of the problem, not something that’s broken inside you. And even if you’re genetically predisposed to anxiety and depression, that’s not your fault. No one is to blame here. Let’s work on managing and coping with it instead of getting stuck in the weeds to avoid thinking about what we need to work on.  

Moving on . . . 

Postpartum Anxiety and What To Do About It 

There is no secret cure for anxiety. The fear response is the key to our survival, and it isn’t going anywhere, nor should we want it to! Your brain is very good at keeping you safe from danger. And for millions of years, it has evolved to do even higher thinking than simply alerting you to run from that lion or leopard or killer kangaroo. But evolution is slow and lazy, so our lifestyles have outpaced our brains when it comes to managing modern day worries.

Anxiety is what happens when our brain perceives something harmless as a physical threat. The stress response is set off, and once that prehistoric process gets going, it’s difficult for our higher thinking brain parts to keep it in check. In Rewire Your Anxious Brain, Catherine Pittman explains that anxiety can be either top-down (starting in our prefrontal cortex, or PFC) or bottom-up (starting in that ancient “lizard brain” area, the amygdala). If you’re into neuroscience, check it out. It’s sciency enough to quench your geeky thirst for information on the origins of today’s problems but easy enough to understand that you won’t start beating yourself up for not studying more in that undergrad biology class (do I know anxiety or what?!?). 

Now that you’re a mother, you are sleeping much less than usual, learning to breastfeed (or not, I’m certainly not here to advise you on that, and I strongly feel that fed is best. Period.), getting to know this tiny human who is both adorable and terrifying, figuring out how to stop feeling guilty when all you want to do is put this baby down and go pee, wavering manically between begging your partner to not leave your side and ordering them to get out of your face, and overall, wondering why no one told you the truth about motherhood. So, yeah, anxiety is kind of your whole existence. Toss in a global pandemic, and you’re all set. 

The good news is that your brain has everything it needs to learn how to help you manage this shit storm of anxiety. The not-so-good news is that it takes practice and time. That’s right, at this most challenging time of your entire life, when you are already up to your eyeballs in learning new skills, you gotta make a few more changes. You are a mother now, though, so you got this! Let’s get started!

These tips are in no particular order. If I had to sort them, I’d probably put sleep first, but since this is an article for moms (and there’s currently a global pandemic), I’ll aim for realistic and start with the strategies that might be more doable than a good night’s rest.

1. Turn off the damn screen.

You do not need instagram making you feel worse than you already feel. Or that Wonder Weeks app making you obsessed with whether your baby skipped Leap 8 altogether or is still stuck on 7. Or that meditation app telling you to breathe. Oh, wait, that might be one exception. I’ll get back that one in a moment. 

iPhone: friend or foe?

iPhone: friend or foe?

I’m not advising you to toss your iPhone out the window. I’m asking you to limit your screen time (especially at bedtime — or when you get to have a bedtime again) and be mindful about what you do on your screen, how long you’re doing it, and whether or not it’s contributing to your anxiety. If IG Stories really bring a smile to your face, then by all means, enjoy. But if you find yourself mindlessly scrolling and feeling completely numb, then maybe it’s time to take a break from it. 

2. Breathe and be in the present.

You can do this one anytime anywhere, and even though it sounds completely obvious, a lot of us forget that taking a few deep breaths can help immensely with both physical tension and mental stress. And for people who suffer from anxiety, the panic or intrusive thoughts can take over pretty quickly, leaving you feeling like there’s no chance you could take a deep breath. If this happens, quietly tell yourself to stop and count slowly from 1 to 5. It’s likely that by the time you get to 5, you will be a little calmer and able to take some deep breaths. Inhale slowly through your nose to the count of five, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat three times. Counting from one to five before you begin is a grounding exercise that helps bring you back from being lost in worry to the here and now where your only task is to breathe.

Mindfulness is simply engaging your senses to bring attention to the present (as opposed to the past or future, where most worries reside).

Mindfulness is simply engaging your senses to bring attention to the present (as opposed to the past or future, where most worries reside).

If you can carve out ten minutes a day and you’re ready to try mindfulness meditation, check out the Waking Up app for iPhone or android. It’s a beautifully designed app with education on the theory behind the practice of meditation, as well as lessons (including some for children) that will gently guide you through the process.  

3. Schedule your worry.

This is an old therapeutic technique to give you a sense of control. It’s unrealistic to set a goal to stop worrying. What would be the point in setting yourself up to fail? It’s much more effective to work on managing the worry. This way, you are in control of it, not the other way around. Here’s how it works: Schedule a recurring 5-minute long appointment with your worry. Yes, I’m serious. Put it on your calendar: ’10:00-10:05am - Worry!.’ Extreme worriers could even pencil in two of these appointments per day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

When the time comes for your worry session, set a five minute timer on your phone, and then worry it up! Write down all the things that have been driving you nuts, or think really intensely about them, or both. Take a look at your to-do list and your upcoming calendar events to be sure you haven’t missed anything. But don’t get distracted. This five minutes is all about worry, dread, and the worst case scenarios. When your timer goes off, you’re done (for now). Does this mean you will never, ever find yourself lost in anxious thoughts outside of your worry appointment? Of course not! But when those problems creep into your head, you have a place to put them. Think to yourself, “Not now, worry. I’ll see you at our next session.”

4. Express gratitude.

Research into wellbeing suggests that people who feel grateful report being happier and more satisfied with life. This research is fairly new, however, so I’m not saying, “Just be thankful for what you have and your problems will disappear.” I’m just saying that when we take time to acknowledge what’s going well in our lives and thank the people who make our world a better place, then it can benefit our mood and perspective. It’s another strategy for feeling a little more in control, too, and we know that’s a big deal for those of us struggling with anxiety. When I choose to reflect on the things I’m thankful for and express my gratitude through writing in a journal, talking to a partner, meditating on it, or passing it on by doing something kind of someone else, I’m training my brain to rationally see that life isn’t either one big shitstorm or one big ball of joy. Life is full of both pain and positivity, both sunlight and storms, both good and bad (and a lot of in-between). Now I have evidence that the worst isn’t all I can expect, regardless of what my anxiety is telling me.

5. Get that heart rate going.

A brisk walk with or without baby is good for you.

A brisk walk with or without baby is good for you.

Humans need to move. When we don’t, our anxious brains start heating up with worry that something isn’t right. A great cure of this aimless, restless, and unfocused state of mind is exercise. It can be as simple as a brisk walk with baby in the stroller or as intense as a spin class. It’s totally up to you. If you’re new to exercise, start slow with a 15-minute walk once a day. You’ll likely discover that you want to keep going. Try out different activities to find something you really dig. There are YouTube videos, the Couch to 5K beginner running plan, workouts you can do with your baby, and video games that get you moving. You could simply crank up the tunes and have a good old dance party in your living room. There is no perfect exercise plan. Do your best to get moving any way that works for you.

6. Relax (your muscles).

Isn’t “just relax!” the #1 worst thing to say to someone with anxiety? You’ll never hear me tell you that. What I will advise, however, is to tense and relax your muscles. It’s called progressive muscle relaxation (PMR). You can even combine it with deep breathing. Here we go: Lie down or sit comfortably. You can close your eyes or leave them open, whatever feels better for you. Breathe in deeply and slowly. Exhale slowly. Now starting with your forehead, relax any tension you feel there. Raise and lower your eyebrows, squeeze your eyes shut and then release them, letting your whole face loosen and relax. It can help to open your mouth slightly and relax your tongue. Work your way down your body, focusing on each muscle group. Roll your neck and shoulders, squeeze and release any tension in your arms and hands, and on down. Many of us hold a lot of tension in our faces, particularly the jaw, and our lower back, so pay extra attention to these areas. This exercise can also be very grounding and mindful.

7. Eat.

While this one may seem obvious, I have often been guilty of pushing through my hunger or grabbing something quick to eat only to notice a half hour later, I’m incredibly sluggish, grouchy, and blah, leading to anxiety about not being productive enough. Personally, I know I need to snack throughout the day so my blood sugar doesn’t plummet, avoid processed carbs, and be sure to include whole grains and some protein. If I’m really pressed for time, I always have a pantry stocked with nuts that I can easily grab by the fistful on my way out the door (or more commonly these days, on my way up the stairs to do a virtual session with a client). I have little ziplock bags of nuts or granola and these delicious mini Clif bars stashed everywhere so there are no excuses for getting hangry in the afternoon! For you, accessible snack options may look very different. Spend a few minutes right now jotting down some yummy whole food items you can have available so at least your tummy will remain satisfied enough to not contribute to your anxiety. And, like everything else on this list, it’s something you are in control of!

8. Go to bed.

While baby is tiny, you won’t be getting much sleep at all, of course, so this one will vary greatly depending on what’s going on. BUT you may be able to manage a four hour stretch of uninterrupted z’s if your partner or other supportive person in your home can take care of baby for awhile. There are many variables at play during the first few months of life with baby, so just do your best here. Never ever discount the value of sleep. It should be a priority, so even during those challenging times when you can’t get as much as you need, keep it up there on your list. This baby will eventually sleep through the night, and you want to be ready with a brain that is fully trained to wind down at a decent hour so it can heal and do its thing to prepare you for the next day. A sleep-deprived brain will not be helpful at all when it comes to managing your anxiety. It will definitely struggle with any sophisticated rational thinking, taking that kind of processing offline in favor of survival instinct. And we know how that turns out. So talk to your partner about how you can work together so that each of you can get a little more rest than you’re getting now. And if you’re beyond that newborn stage and your baby is consistently napping and down for bed by 7pm, GOOD JOB, YOU!!! Think about trying to relax a bit earlier in the evening, starting a nice bedtime routine (taking a hot shower or bath, enjoying a cup of tea, reading a book, whatever floats your boat) that will teach your brain to recognize the signal that it’s time to slow down and prepare for snoozing. Just like when sleep training your baby, you need to optimize your environment for calm and relaxation. A rested mother is a less anxious mother. 

9. Talk to a professional.

You knew this was coming, didn’t you? Motherhood is incredibly difficult and overwhelming and a unique blend of conflicting emotions that seem like they’re changing by the minute. And although more and more women are opening up about postpartum depression and anxiety, there’s still stigma around the topic. People tend to have a hard time knowing how to acknowledge the reality of how challenging and exhausting life is with a new baby. They don’t want to bring up anything to upset you, and they seem to think if they ignore uncomfortable conversations, things will magically be ok. There are therapists who are trained in helping new mothers. They know all about the hormonal shifts that are happening, common experiences and emotional changes, and strategies for helping with the symptoms. It takes time to adjust to this new role, and you don’t have to do it alone. A therapist will listen, offer tips and guidance if that’s what you need, give you permission to feel what you feel, and connect you with local resources, including a specialist who can prescribe medication if necessary. I’m one of these therapists, and I’m happy to help. You can schedule a consultation call here or send me a message here. Visit PSI’s directory for an entire searchable list of therapists trained in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. And don’t wait until post-pandemic. You can get started with virtual counseling now and then transition to in-office later. 

10. Make some mom friends.

We all need a village. The size of that village can be up to you. You don’t have to be a social butterfly. Who has time for that? But having a few other women to chat with about mom life can be incredibly helpful. Many communities have meetups especially for new moms or support groups. Here in the Raleigh area, there’s a wonderful organization called Triangle Area Parenting Support (TAPS). They have groups for first-time parents and second time arounders, for moms of newborns and moms of toddlers. During the current COVID-19 crisis, they are even offering their groups virtually. Ask your pediatrician or OBGYN for resources local to you. You won’t immediately click with every new mom you meet, so don’t give up. Push yourself to step out of your comfort zone to build a support network of people who get it. Postpartum Support International is currently offering online support groups, too, so check out their web site no matter where you are. 

Comment below and let me know which of these strategies you feel you could put into practice today. If you have any questions about maternal mental health, or if you’d like to talk about working together, send me a message. It’s private and secure, and I’ll get back to you within 24 hours.

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Mental Health Kayce Hodos Mental Health Kayce Hodos

Not So Surprising Lessons From Pandemic Life

Regardless of whether or not the curve has begun to flatten, our way of life is likely going to be different from now on in many ways. Let’s embrace the changes that will make us healthier. Why strive to “get back to normal” when we can evolve to be better than before?

Breaking news: We’re all doing our best. I’m kind of ok, You’re kind of ok. And maybe we’ll all be even more ok both individually and as a whole after this crisis.

But how are we really doing?

The answer seems to be that we’re coping with the stress of the COVID-19 pandemic. And we have some moments when we’re more ok than others. I just watched Tom Hanks’s opening monologue (taped from his home) on this week’s SNL. He says we’re in this for the duration. “The duration” doesn’t tell us much, though, does it? If you’re like me, you can deal with being stuck at home for awhile, but not knowing when this will be over is what is so hard. Also, what does “when this will be over” even mean? This virus won’t just decide to be over. It isn’t as simple as the president seems to want it to be. Like a toddler, he really likes for things to be right or wrong, black or white, this or that, open or closed. “Invisible enemy” and “reopen our country” were a couple of the last phrases I heard him say (I can only tolerate his narcissistic bullshit in bits and pieces).

I guess we often expect leaders to simplify complex situations in order to make us feel better. But I think humans deserve to know the truth, and I do think we can handle it. That doesn’t mean it will be easy. Change is difficult, AND we can get through it. Is it pretty? No, it’s exhausting. Aren’t you completely drained from all of this staying at home? But does this mean you aren’t coping? NO!

Coping does not equal doing great. Coping means you’re getting through it one day at a time (or minute by minute, if necessary).

Regardless of whether or not the curve has begun to flatten, our way of life is likely going to be different from now on in many ways. Let’s embrace the changes that will make us healthier. Why strive to “get back to normal” when we can evolve to be better than before?

Let’s take a look at some ways this crisis may end up improving our physical health, mental health, and overall societal well-being:

- See ya, handshakes. Let’s get better at using our words. 

How will our greeting customs change in the post COVID-19 future?

How will our greeting customs change in the post COVID-19 future?

To be honest, I’m fine with a little more social distance, but I’m introverted and highly sensitive, so this is simply how I roll. Nothing personal, but I never really loved grasping another person’s hand (except my husband’s or child’s, and even that makes me cringe if I think about it too much). We’ve known hands are disgusting for a long time thanks for Ignaz Semmelweis, so why this greeting is still a thing completely baffles me. Humans are so weirdly stubborn when it comes to social norms, aren’t we? These kinds of cultural shifts take a loooong time, even when we know how stupid we’re being. Yes, you can replace a handshake with the Vulcan salute or peace sign if you need a gesture. Or you can use your voice to say words like, “Hi, good to see you. How ya been?” 

- Distributed work can be more productive and enjoyable than being stuck in an office (as long as parents have childcare, of course, but right now they don’t so it’s pretty difficult). 

When you have fewer distractions, if meetings are conducted effectively, and you have the freedom to do your work during times that are conducive to doing your best work, you may feel more satisfied about the quality of your work. If you love your job and are good at it, you will be happier overall. You will likely enjoy your downtime more than you do when work is nagging you in your head. But remember, we’re talking about lessons to take away from all of this. Right now, you are just doing your best. And your best is different from day to day.

And if you’re a healthcare worker, a grocery store employee, a restaurant server who is now delivering takeout, or other essential savior, thank you. Your work, too, has been distributed from the way you previously experienced it to the current extremely more stressful way.

If you’re a new mom, you were already probably feeling isolated with that tiny human who constantly needs you for something and makes it nearly impossible to sleep, much less leave the house. But now you also have the finances to worry about, the pandemic news coverage, a partner hanging around all the time, and perhaps uncertainty about what the end of your maternity leave means with all of this going on. Motherhood is plenty difficult without a virus sweeping the globe, so you have to be extra patient with yourself and your ‘work from home’ reality. Talk to your child’s pediatrician or your OBGYN about how you’re feeling. Check out Postpartum International’s extensive resources and online support groups for additional help. Or contact me if you’re in North Carolina and you’re seeking professional counseling.

My work has also been impacted. I am now seeing clients from my makeshift office corner of the bonus room that is also now a homeschool classroom in addition to its original purposes: laundry room, play room, exercise facility, and storage room. I’ve scheduled virtual sessions mostly in the afternoons and evenings after my son has completed his school assignments. His dad’s work schedule has been drastically reduced, so he comes home around lunchtime. I’m both grateful for our privileged lifestyle and flexibility and frustrated with the constant interruptions and lack of personal space.

- Hey, we do need each other!

On a recent episode of Sam Harris’s Making Sense podcast, he talks to Laurie Santos about her research on happiness and the difference between being happy with your life and being happy in your life. Among a long list of insightful findings, Dr. Santos has discovered that it’s the seemingly trivial interactions that people are missing. Who knew the conversation you have with your barista or the brief exchange with that stranger while waiting in line would impact us so significantly? But it does indeed make sense when you consider how much of our lives are spent inside our own heads. Those little bits of socializing probably keep us grounded in the present before our anxiety quickly leads us back to worrying about the past or future. Even while social distancing, try to find a moment here or there to ask how someone’s day is going and be interested in their response. Perhaps while you’re out frantically getting groceries, smile at someone from at least six feet away and comment on the weather or being shocked that the store is still out of pickles. They’ll be able to see from your eyes that you’re smiling behind that mask. 

I found an odd sense of relief that Dr. Santos’s findings probably mean it’s ok that I’m super annoyed with my family members right now. After all, it’s the connection with strangers I’m missing, not extra quality time with the people I love most.

- Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Mindfulness is a practice, not something to cross off your to-do list.

Mindfulness is a practice, not something to cross off your to-do list.

Instead of seeing a stay at home order as an attempt to take away our freedom, there are more constructive ways to frame it: a sacrifice for the health of humanity, being a part of something bigger than ourselves, admitting that we don’t know everything, taking a moment to slow down and think about the consequences of our actions, confronting our fear of boredom, and having to push through or wait out discomfort. It’s ok to acknowledge when you’re struggling and exhausted from this adjustment. Maybe you need to express how hard all of this is by talking to a therapist, writing, facetiming a friend, painting or other artistic expression, or having a good cry.

Part of healthy coping is to be mindful (gently paying attention with your senses) of the icky feelings. It’s natural to be sad and angry when unexpected circumstances arise. It’s upsetting and frustrating when it feels like the world is on fire. Notice these emotions, and be aware of the physical sensations you’re feeling in your body. Close your eyes and inhale and exhale slowly for about five breaths. Progressive muscle relaxation and meditation are also helpful. Don’t tell yourself to not worry or that you shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling. Honor that you are both feeling shitty and able to manage, but it isn’t a one-and-done kind of deal. Try not to judge the emotional response. It is what it is. And it will change. Nothing is permanent. If you’re interested in learning to meditate, the Waking Up app is chock full of lessons, tips, meditations for children, commentary, and discussions with experts. Just remember, meditation is a practice, not something you check off your list of accomplishments. It’s a coping tool that you can incorporate into your daily routine when life is super stressful and when it isn’t. When you carve out time to consistently practice something that is relaxing and just for you, you set yourself up to successfully meet the challenges the world will throw your way.

Get moving!

Get moving!

- Appreciation for the benefits of physical exercise.

There’s nothing like being stuck at home to make you want to take a walk outside. Whether it’s having more time on our hands or needing to get away from the people who live with us, it seems like folks are moving more. I’m not sure what the actual data has to say on this. It could be that people who typically enjoy the gym or fitness classes are now taking their workouts outside or online, but whatever is really happening, your efforts to self-quarantine can be an opportunity to make physical exercise a part of your routine. We all know moving is important for overall health, and getting your heart rate up is particularly effective for managing anxiety. Engaging in cardiovascular exercise when you are feeling anxious may send a signal to your brain that you’re safe (in ancient brain terms, you’ve obviously moved quickly to get away from the lion that was about to eat you) and it can calm down, completing the flight/flight/freeze circuit. You can get your heart rate up enough with a brisk 30 minute walk around your neighborhood, by running up and down the steps of your apartment building, or by having a dance party in your living room. 

Comment below and let me know how ok you are right now, one way you’re coping with the pandemic stress, and any suggestions for mental health topics you’d like me to write about.

Remember that you don’t have to wait for the crisis is over to get some professional support. Therapists have embraced technology like never before and are offering secure and confidential sessions online.

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