The #1 Complication of Childbirth May Surprise You
Most people are shocked to learn that the answer is Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs), an umbrella term used to refer to postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, pregnancy/postpartum OCD, PTSD, insomnia, postpartum psychosis, and postpartum bipolar.
Of course, we tend to hear more about postpartum depression than the others, but I think the word perinatal is particularly effective in relaying the time period when these mental health concerns may arise.
Perinatal refers to the entire pregnancy and the full year after childbirth. That's a long time, but I'd go as far as to say years 0-5 of baby's life are the most mentally challenging for mothers (and why I decided one-and-done was the way to go for me).
It’s important to know that the symptoms aren’t always clear cut. You may be feeling scattered, overwhelmed, tearful, disappointed, and a bunch of other emotions.
You also may be having dark thoughts that seem unlike anything that would typically cross your mind. Some women describe them as vivid because they can imagine them so clearly, but they’re very disturbing in nature. We call these intrusive thoughts, and they’re a common symptom of postpartum OCD, but they can also occur as part of other PMADs, including during pregnancy.
Remember: Perinatal = pregnancy AND the entire year after giving birth.
If I'd had this information, you can bet I would've spent way more time on my postpartum plan than my birth plan, and I'd like to think I would've been more open to asking for and accepting help.
If you’re thinking “NO KIDDING!” and you’d like some support with your adjustment to motherhood, schedule a free consultation call, and we’ll see if we’re a good fit.
Show Notes + Resources from the Mindful Mom-To-Be Audio Series (AKA The Everything Page)
Proactive Pregnancy = Peaceful Postpartum
Welcome to the Everything Page for the “Mindful Mom-To-Be” audio series! If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can do that here.
You’ll find all resources discussed on the podcast listed below by episode. If you don’t see something you’re looking for, shoot me an email and let me know, or message me on Instagram.
Professional Mental Health Support
This audio series is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Read on for free and confidential resources.
Postpartum Support International (PSI): https://www.postpartum.net
PSI Warm Line (during business hours, you can text or call and someone will get back in touch): 1-800-944-4773 | En Español: 971-203-7773
National Maternal Health Hotline (24 hours a day/7 days a week in English and En Español): 1-833-852-6262 (1-833-TLC-MAMA)
TTY users can use a preferred relay service or dial 711 and then 1-833-852-6262.
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24 hours a day / 7 days a week): text or call 988
National Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. anytime about any kind of crisis
Episode 1: Nutrition + Perinatal Mental Health with Katie Gantt
We're all aware of how our appetite can affect our mood. (Hangry, anyone? ) Nutrition during pregnancy and postpartum is Katie Gantt's passion, and she's giving us the lowdown on what a nutritionist is, how she serves expectant mothers, the ways nutrition can impact mental health, and tips for prioritizing your needs.
Connect with Katie:
Episode 2: The Many Benefits of Hiring a Doula with Aida Algarin
Considering a doula? This conversation with Aida Algarin of Central Carolinas Doulas of Fayetteville, NC, should help with your decision.
Aida tells us how having a doula's support can play a key role in your perinatal mental health. We discuss doula history, what to look for when hiring a doula, the many kinds of support doulas provide for expectant families, and so much more.
Connect with Aida + Resources:
Hello 7 Foundation: Not mentioned in this episode but a wonderful organization providing mothers of color with doulas and mental health services.
Episode 3: Sleep + Your Mental Health with Jen Varela
Ah, sleep! Yes, your relationship with sleep changes forever when you become a parent, BUT there are some things you can do to grab those zzzs and give your baby the gift of a healthy sleep routine. Jen Varela knows her stuff, and her passion for supporting new parents is obvious if you've ever heard her speak on this topic.
In this episode, we discuss tips and expectations, why newborns have the weirdest sleep habits ever, and the link between sleep and your mental health. You and your partner will both need to listen to this and save it for later (typically, when baby is around 4-5 months, at the earliest)!
Connect with Jen + Resources:
Jen’s ebook Loved To Sleep
The Natural Baby Sleep Solution by Dr. Polly Moore
NAPS acronym:
- Note wake time
- Add 90 minutes
- Play, interact, engage
- Soothe back to sleep
Episode 4: Breastfeeding 101 with Lorraine Rocco
If you're planning to breastfeed, you want someone like Lorraine in your corner! She's kind and warm, and she knows her stuff.
She takes an evidence-based approach to helping new moms resolve their breastfeeding worries, and she has extra training in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs), so she has all the bases covered when it comes to educating women on the impact that lactation can have on their mental health.
Lorraine drops facts and dispels myths all over the place, and we are here for it!
Connect with Lorraine + Resources:
Episode 5: Baby Proofing Your Pet with Jen Shryock
I'm so excited to spread the word about Jen Shryock and her amazing organization, Family Paws.
Jen and her team have been helping families transition from pet parents to parents with pets since 2002. You can hear how passionate she is about her work and prevention.
Educating yourself about how to safely bring baby home to meet your dog should be on your prep list, and Jen makes it so simple with her team of trained Dog Aware educators.
Connect with Jen + Resources:
Dog & Baby Support Line: 1-877-247-3407
Meet Your Dog by Kim Brophey
Episode 6: Supporting Dads + Partners with Dr. Dan Singley
We couldn't have a postpartum mental health prep podcast without an episode all about dads and partners!
Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) affect fathers, too, at a surprising rate. We tend to have some harmful stereotypes when it comes to a partner's role in becoming a parent, and Dr. Dan Singley is here to enlighten us.
We bust myths, we talk relationship maintenance strategies, and much more.
Connect with Dan + Resources:
Parental Mental Health: Factoring In Fathers by Jane Honikman and Dan Singley
“Call The Midwife” on Netflix
Episode 7: Boundaries, Expectations, + PMADs with Kayce Hodos
This episode is a solo experience with yours truly. I'm sharing a little about my own story and discussing the benefits of setting boundaries and expectations with family, friends, your partner, and yourself. Plus some real talk about the lowering your risk of PMADs and easing your transition to parenthood.
Connect with me + Resources:
Anchor Perinatal Wellness offers free walk-in perinatal mental health screenings, therapy, and the only intensive outpatient program between Pennsylvania and Florida, serving women who are pregnant or up to 18 months postpartum.
This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression by Karen Kleiman and Valerie David Raskin
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers by Karen Kleiman
What About Us?: A New Parent’s Guide To Safeguarding Your Over-Anxious, Over-Extended, Sleep-Deprive Relationship by Karen Kleiman
The Pregnancy Workbook: Manage Anxiety and Worry With CBT and Mindfulness Techniques by Dr. Kat Kaeni
The Highly Sensitive Parent by Dr. Elaine Aron
Expecting Amy on Max: Amy Schumer’s raw documentary that dives into her pregnancy experience and her struggle with hyperemesis gravidarum (severe “morning sickness”)
Return to Zero Hope Foundation: support for families who have experienced the death of a child
Ten Realistic Strategies For Managing Postpartum Anxiety (Even During A Global Crisis)
t may be difficult to recall your life before the COVID-19 pandemic, but if you struggled with anxiety pre-global-crisis, then your stress response is surely turned up to 11 now. And if you have given birth in the last six months to a year, then your life already may have involved a lot of social isolation.
There is no secret cure for anxiety. The good news is that your brain has everything it needs to learn how to help you manage this shit storm of anxiety.
These tips are in no particular order. If I had to sort them, I’d probably put sleep first, but since this is an article for moms (and there’s currently a global pandemic), I’ll aim for realistic and start with the strategies that might be more doable than a good night’s rest. Let’s get started!
You got this, and you aren’t alone.
It may be difficult to recall your life before the COVID-19 pandemic, but if you struggled with anxiety pre-global-crisis, then your stress response is surely turned up to 11 now. And if you have given birth in the last six months to a year, then your life already may have involved a lot of social isolation. If you’ve been experiencing intrusive thoughts (they can get pretty dark but are not suicidal) and overwhelming nervousness and irritability, you may be struggling with postpartum anxiety (or a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder, to use the most recent terminology). In case you aren’t aware of the statistics, as many as 6% of women experience anxiety during pregnancy, and around 10% of new mothers develop anxiety in the first year after giving birth. I would bet these numbers are even higher given the stigma around coming clean about the dark side of motherhood.
Reminding you that you aren’t alone is the main reason I even mention the data here. It’s validating when we find out other women are having a hard time. Women who are anxious tend to get distracted by details, so we aren’t going to start analyzing the statistics. Just know that you can stop googling “Is there something wrong with me?” Our cultural expectations of women and the lack of support for them is a huge part of the problem, not something that’s broken inside you. And even if you’re genetically predisposed to anxiety and depression, that’s not your fault. No one is to blame here. Let’s work on managing and coping with it instead of getting stuck in the weeds to avoid thinking about what we need to work on.
Moving on . . .
Postpartum Anxiety and What To Do About It
There is no secret cure for anxiety. The fear response is the key to our survival, and it isn’t going anywhere, nor should we want it to! Your brain is very good at keeping you safe from danger. And for millions of years, it has evolved to do even higher thinking than simply alerting you to run from that lion or leopard or killer kangaroo. But evolution is slow and lazy, so our lifestyles have outpaced our brains when it comes to managing modern day worries.
Anxiety is what happens when our brain perceives something harmless as a physical threat. The stress response is set off, and once that prehistoric process gets going, it’s difficult for our higher thinking brain parts to keep it in check. In Rewire Your Anxious Brain, Catherine Pittman explains that anxiety can be either top-down (starting in our prefrontal cortex, or PFC) or bottom-up (starting in that ancient “lizard brain” area, the amygdala). If you’re into neuroscience, check it out. It’s sciency enough to quench your geeky thirst for information on the origins of today’s problems but easy enough to understand that you won’t start beating yourself up for not studying more in that undergrad biology class (do I know anxiety or what?!?).
Now that you’re a mother, you are sleeping much less than usual, learning to breastfeed (or not, I’m certainly not here to advise you on that, and I strongly feel that fed is best. Period.), getting to know this tiny human who is both adorable and terrifying, figuring out how to stop feeling guilty when all you want to do is put this baby down and go pee, wavering manically between begging your partner to not leave your side and ordering them to get out of your face, and overall, wondering why no one told you the truth about motherhood. So, yeah, anxiety is kind of your whole existence. Toss in a global pandemic, and you’re all set.
The good news is that your brain has everything it needs to learn how to help you manage this shit storm of anxiety. The not-so-good news is that it takes practice and time. That’s right, at this most challenging time of your entire life, when you are already up to your eyeballs in learning new skills, you gotta make a few more changes. You are a mother now, though, so you got this! Let’s get started!
These tips are in no particular order. If I had to sort them, I’d probably put sleep first, but since this is an article for moms (and there’s currently a global pandemic), I’ll aim for realistic and start with the strategies that might be more doable than a good night’s rest.
1. Turn off the damn screen.
You do not need instagram making you feel worse than you already feel. Or that Wonder Weeks app making you obsessed with whether your baby skipped Leap 8 altogether or is still stuck on 7. Or that meditation app telling you to breathe. Oh, wait, that might be one exception. I’ll get back that one in a moment.
iPhone: friend or foe?
I’m not advising you to toss your iPhone out the window. I’m asking you to limit your screen time (especially at bedtime — or when you get to have a bedtime again) and be mindful about what you do on your screen, how long you’re doing it, and whether or not it’s contributing to your anxiety. If IG Stories really bring a smile to your face, then by all means, enjoy. But if you find yourself mindlessly scrolling and feeling completely numb, then maybe it’s time to take a break from it.
2. Breathe and be in the present.
You can do this one anytime anywhere, and even though it sounds completely obvious, a lot of us forget that taking a few deep breaths can help immensely with both physical tension and mental stress. And for people who suffer from anxiety, the panic or intrusive thoughts can take over pretty quickly, leaving you feeling like there’s no chance you could take a deep breath. If this happens, quietly tell yourself to stop and count slowly from 1 to 5. It’s likely that by the time you get to 5, you will be a little calmer and able to take some deep breaths. Inhale slowly through your nose to the count of five, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat three times. Counting from one to five before you begin is a grounding exercise that helps bring you back from being lost in worry to the here and now where your only task is to breathe.
Mindfulness is simply engaging your senses to bring attention to the present (as opposed to the past or future, where most worries reside).
If you can carve out ten minutes a day and you’re ready to try mindfulness meditation, check out the Waking Up app for iPhone or android. It’s a beautifully designed app with education on the theory behind the practice of meditation, as well as lessons (including some for children) that will gently guide you through the process.
3. Schedule your worry.
This is an old therapeutic technique to give you a sense of control. It’s unrealistic to set a goal to stop worrying. What would be the point in setting yourself up to fail? It’s much more effective to work on managing the worry. This way, you are in control of it, not the other way around. Here’s how it works: Schedule a recurring 5-minute long appointment with your worry. Yes, I’m serious. Put it on your calendar: ’10:00-10:05am - Worry!.’ Extreme worriers could even pencil in two of these appointments per day, one in the morning and one in the evening.
When the time comes for your worry session, set a five minute timer on your phone, and then worry it up! Write down all the things that have been driving you nuts, or think really intensely about them, or both. Take a look at your to-do list and your upcoming calendar events to be sure you haven’t missed anything. But don’t get distracted. This five minutes is all about worry, dread, and the worst case scenarios. When your timer goes off, you’re done (for now). Does this mean you will never, ever find yourself lost in anxious thoughts outside of your worry appointment? Of course not! But when those problems creep into your head, you have a place to put them. Think to yourself, “Not now, worry. I’ll see you at our next session.”
4. Express gratitude.
Research into wellbeing suggests that people who feel grateful report being happier and more satisfied with life. This research is fairly new, however, so I’m not saying, “Just be thankful for what you have and your problems will disappear.” I’m just saying that when we take time to acknowledge what’s going well in our lives and thank the people who make our world a better place, then it can benefit our mood and perspective. It’s another strategy for feeling a little more in control, too, and we know that’s a big deal for those of us struggling with anxiety. When I choose to reflect on the things I’m thankful for and express my gratitude through writing in a journal, talking to a partner, meditating on it, or passing it on by doing something kind of someone else, I’m training my brain to rationally see that life isn’t either one big shitstorm or one big ball of joy. Life is full of both pain and positivity, both sunlight and storms, both good and bad (and a lot of in-between). Now I have evidence that the worst isn’t all I can expect, regardless of what my anxiety is telling me.
5. Get that heart rate going.
A brisk walk with or without baby is good for you.
Humans need to move. When we don’t, our anxious brains start heating up with worry that something isn’t right. A great cure of this aimless, restless, and unfocused state of mind is exercise. It can be as simple as a brisk walk with baby in the stroller or as intense as a spin class. It’s totally up to you. If you’re new to exercise, start slow with a 15-minute walk once a day. You’ll likely discover that you want to keep going. Try out different activities to find something you really dig. There are YouTube videos, the Couch to 5K beginner running plan, workouts you can do with your baby, and video games that get you moving. You could simply crank up the tunes and have a good old dance party in your living room. There is no perfect exercise plan. Do your best to get moving any way that works for you.
6. Relax (your muscles).
Isn’t “just relax!” the #1 worst thing to say to someone with anxiety? You’ll never hear me tell you that. What I will advise, however, is to tense and relax your muscles. It’s called progressive muscle relaxation (PMR). You can even combine it with deep breathing. Here we go: Lie down or sit comfortably. You can close your eyes or leave them open, whatever feels better for you. Breathe in deeply and slowly. Exhale slowly. Now starting with your forehead, relax any tension you feel there. Raise and lower your eyebrows, squeeze your eyes shut and then release them, letting your whole face loosen and relax. It can help to open your mouth slightly and relax your tongue. Work your way down your body, focusing on each muscle group. Roll your neck and shoulders, squeeze and release any tension in your arms and hands, and on down. Many of us hold a lot of tension in our faces, particularly the jaw, and our lower back, so pay extra attention to these areas. This exercise can also be very grounding and mindful.
7. Eat.
While this one may seem obvious, I have often been guilty of pushing through my hunger or grabbing something quick to eat only to notice a half hour later, I’m incredibly sluggish, grouchy, and blah, leading to anxiety about not being productive enough. Personally, I know I need to snack throughout the day so my blood sugar doesn’t plummet, avoid processed carbs, and be sure to include whole grains and some protein. If I’m really pressed for time, I always have a pantry stocked with nuts that I can easily grab by the fistful on my way out the door (or more commonly these days, on my way up the stairs to do a virtual session with a client). I have little ziplock bags of nuts or granola and these delicious mini Clif bars stashed everywhere so there are no excuses for getting hangry in the afternoon! For you, accessible snack options may look very different. Spend a few minutes right now jotting down some yummy whole food items you can have available so at least your tummy will remain satisfied enough to not contribute to your anxiety. And, like everything else on this list, it’s something you are in control of!
8. Go to bed.
While baby is tiny, you won’t be getting much sleep at all, of course, so this one will vary greatly depending on what’s going on. BUT you may be able to manage a four hour stretch of uninterrupted z’s if your partner or other supportive person in your home can take care of baby for awhile. There are many variables at play during the first few months of life with baby, so just do your best here. Never ever discount the value of sleep. It should be a priority, so even during those challenging times when you can’t get as much as you need, keep it up there on your list. This baby will eventually sleep through the night, and you want to be ready with a brain that is fully trained to wind down at a decent hour so it can heal and do its thing to prepare you for the next day. A sleep-deprived brain will not be helpful at all when it comes to managing your anxiety. It will definitely struggle with any sophisticated rational thinking, taking that kind of processing offline in favor of survival instinct. And we know how that turns out. So talk to your partner about how you can work together so that each of you can get a little more rest than you’re getting now. And if you’re beyond that newborn stage and your baby is consistently napping and down for bed by 7pm, GOOD JOB, YOU!!! Think about trying to relax a bit earlier in the evening, starting a nice bedtime routine (taking a hot shower or bath, enjoying a cup of tea, reading a book, whatever floats your boat) that will teach your brain to recognize the signal that it’s time to slow down and prepare for snoozing. Just like when sleep training your baby, you need to optimize your environment for calm and relaxation. A rested mother is a less anxious mother.
9. Talk to a professional.
You knew this was coming, didn’t you? Motherhood is incredibly difficult and overwhelming and a unique blend of conflicting emotions that seem like they’re changing by the minute. And although more and more women are opening up about postpartum depression and anxiety, there’s still stigma around the topic. People tend to have a hard time knowing how to acknowledge the reality of how challenging and exhausting life is with a new baby. They don’t want to bring up anything to upset you, and they seem to think if they ignore uncomfortable conversations, things will magically be ok. There are therapists who are trained in helping new mothers. They know all about the hormonal shifts that are happening, common experiences and emotional changes, and strategies for helping with the symptoms. It takes time to adjust to this new role, and you don’t have to do it alone. A therapist will listen, offer tips and guidance if that’s what you need, give you permission to feel what you feel, and connect you with local resources, including a specialist who can prescribe medication if necessary. I’m one of these therapists, and I’m happy to help. You can schedule a consultation call here or send me a message here. Visit PSI’s directory for an entire searchable list of therapists trained in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. And don’t wait until post-pandemic. You can get started with virtual counseling now and then transition to in-office later.
10. Make some mom friends.
We all need a village. The size of that village can be up to you. You don’t have to be a social butterfly. Who has time for that? But having a few other women to chat with about mom life can be incredibly helpful. Many communities have meetups especially for new moms or support groups. Here in the Raleigh area, there’s a wonderful organization called Triangle Area Parenting Support (TAPS). They have groups for first-time parents and second time arounders, for moms of newborns and moms of toddlers. During the current COVID-19 crisis, they are even offering their groups virtually. Ask your pediatrician or OBGYN for resources local to you. You won’t immediately click with every new mom you meet, so don’t give up. Push yourself to step out of your comfort zone to build a support network of people who get it. Postpartum Support International is currently offering online support groups, too, so check out their web site no matter where you are.
Comment below and let me know which of these strategies you feel you could put into practice today. If you have any questions about maternal mental health, or if you’d like to talk about working together, send me a message. It’s private and secure, and I’ll get back to you within 24 hours.
Coping With The In-Between
Motherhood is full of in-betweens. There’s the huge moment when you find out you’re expecting. You plan, plan, plan, take your vitamins, go to all the appointments, plan some more, research and register for all the gear, and then wait. Finally, the baby arrives. And it’s the most intense and sleep-deprived time of your life. You promptly become overwhelmed with decisions and tasks you never imagined would be so taxing.
In a heartbreaking scene in the film, Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury, played so beautifully by Rami Malek, speaks of needing distractions from them:
“The in-between moments, I suppose. I find them intolerable. All of the darkness you thought you left behind comes creeping back in.”
Ah, yes, the in-between: that grey and murky place you find yourself in when you aren’t quite sure of yourself or what to do next. This time of year (January-March) is definitely one of the most in-betweenish periods of them all, spinning you around in a fight to keep treading water in between waves of illnesses, severe weather, and holiday Mondays. Christmas has come and gone, the weather is dark and cold (depending on where you live, of course), and you feel kind of lost, like, “Now how can I make it until spring?” Frankly, life is one long series of in-betweens punctuated with intense moments. Growing up, you’re stuck waiting to be old enough, tall enough, mature enough. You finally become a grownup and find that what awaits you is more waiting . . . To meet the right person, find the right job, make enough money, and at some point, you begin to realize that John Lennon had it spot on when he sang, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
Laughing our way through one of many in-betweens.
Motherhood is full of in-betweens. There’s the huge moment when you find out you’re expecting. You plan, plan, plan, take your vitamins, go to all the appointments, plan some more, research and register for all the gear, and then wait. Finally, the baby arrives. And it’s the most intense and sleep-deprived time of your life. You promptly become overwhelmed with decisions and tasks you never imagined would be so taxing. Your new life is thrust upon you, and you try to keep up with the demands. You kind of get the hang of feeding, figure out how to swaddle, determine which diapers work best, avoid thinking about how expensive kids are, and work out a sort-of team schedule with your partner so you both can get a little sleep. You soon realize that there is no point where you completely feel like you’ve mastered this new skillset, precisely because it is ALWAYS CHANGING. New developmental milestones to look out for, appointments to book, challenges to meet, discussions to have, and childproofing purchases to make. It feels like there should be some goal somewhere, but the only thing you can come up with is SURVIVE. That’s how I looked at the first year, for sure. Waves of change kept crashing on the shore, and as I struggled to stay afloat, I decided that I had to just take one day at a time and find joy (or at least contentment and gratitude) in the present. When you are feeling anxious, discouraged, and stuck in the in-betweens, give the following tips a go:
Focus on what’s good about the in-between.
There are definite perks to having one big moment all wrapped up. Revel in how fun, exciting, rewarding, fulfilling, etc. this moment/project/occasion/event was. Treat yourself with a reward for getting through it. Look at photos of the experience and allow yourself to fully embrace the joy of it. Be mindful of both the recent excitement and the here and now. Use all your senses to reflect on what was special about it and how the present moment is just as special even if it isn’t as dramatic or intense. Take some time to notice what you love about your every day life and the right-this-very-second, your home or whatever your current surroundings may be, the solitude. What do you smell, hear, and see around you? Is your environment cozy and warm? Would it feel better to have a soft blanket wrapped around you and fuzzy socks on your feet? Simple pleasures are best appreciated during the in-between.
Enjoy the downtime.
For me, the in-between is where it’s at.
Turn the FOMO into JOMO. Since becoming a mother, I have really developed a major appreciation for the experiences I would have referred to in my younger days as boring. Routines are MY JAM. I adore schedules and knowing what to expect (yes, I do realize I have no control and that part of being a parent means being ready to answer the phone at any second so the school nurse can tell you your child has a fever or is vomiting and needs to be picked up right now, dashing all your hopes and dreams of accomplishing anything). The structure of waking up early, getting my kid off to school, exercising, working, going to pick up my kid from school, homework time, making dinner, getting kid bathed and into bed, and (finally) watching TV or having quiet time with my husband brings me incredible joy. Sure, I love hanging out with my family on the weekends, but I confess, as Sunday afternoon rolls around, I work very hard to hide the giddy anticipation I feel as we approach yet another regular old Monday when everyone gets back to “normal.”
Use the in-between to plan your next big thing.
Last family trip to the Great Smoky Mountains
Chances are, during the stressful time you were just in, you thought of a million things you’d do differently next time, if you had more time, if you had more money, etc. Make a list of how you envision the next go ‘round. Or where you’d like to go on vacation next year/season/whatever. My husband and I have a little ritual that we do when we’re on a trip. As the end of our getaway together draws near, we start dreaming of the next. We talk about whether we want it to be a family trip that includes our son, a grown-ups only vacation with friends, or sometimes if the budget doesn’t allow planning another vacation for awhile, it might be a date night to see a movie that’s coming out soon. Having something to look forward to can be super effective at helping ease that weird in-between time.
Get sh*t done while you’re in the in-between.
Sometimes you just wait it out.
Start a list of Things To Do While In Between. It could be recipes you’ve wanted to try, local shops you’ve been meaning to check out, topics you want to research, home projects you’ve wanted to start, TED Talk by that smart chick you heard about, or any of the stuff that just somehow you never get around to. When you find yourself feeling like you don’t know what to do with yourself, pull out this list and see if you feel like taking steps towards crossing any off. If not, that’s fine, too. Take a nap instead!
When all else fails, simply breathe and be grateful.
Write about what makes you happy, three things you’re grateful for, or the people who make you smile most. Give your pet some pats on the head. Kiss your partner. Hug your kid(s). Hug yourself. Use the in-between for a little no-cost high-impact loving kindness.
If you are a new mom in the Wake Forest, NC, area and would like some professional support or are wondering if you may be suffering from postpartum depression or anxiety, click here to send me a secure message. Virtual sessions are also available for NC residents.
How To Survive Baby's First Christmas
Five realistic tips for getting through the holidays with an infant.
Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash
News flash: The holidays are stressful. Why do you think I’m just now publishing this article on surviving them? We feel like we’re getting a head start when we start ordering from everyone's Amazon wish list in October and collecting recipes for homemade goodies we can give as presents, and then we wake up and it’s December 15th, and our to-do list is still a mile long. How does anyone get through it? And what if you’re a new mom with a tiny human to keep alive? Well, the short answer is just breathe and take care of yourself, but I’m sure you expect more from a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, so here we go:
1. Say no.
I bet you saw this coming and were thinking, “Please don’t tell me I have to disappoint my entire extended family by saying the baby will not be at Grandma’s for Christmas dinner!” Yep, I kinda am. But only if that seems like it would be helpful. We can not make everyone happy and get the baby on a good sleep schedule and buy all the presents and get enough rest ourselves and breastfeed and pump and breastfeed and pump or mix formula and wash bottles . . . Think about what feels most difficult in your day to day routine (or whatever you’re doing to keep it together at this point) and what helps you get through those moments. Does the following example of a typical outing sound like how you want to spend your time?
Dressing baby in the adorable but impractical Christmas ensemble that will most certainly end up covered in pee, poop, spit up, or all three; restocking the diaper bag with enough diapers, wipes, bottles, and ice packs; packing up all the presents; getting yourself dressed; driving to the family gathering; passing baby around (and worrying about who didn’t get their flu shot); and pretending that you’re having a great time and definitely would not rather be home sleeping while your husband takes over for awhile.
If you answered with a “yes, please,” then by all means, go be festive. If you feel overwhelmed and anxious (and relieved to know I’m giving you permission to say, “no, thanks”), then you can say, “I don’t really feel up to going to Grandma’s this year. We’ll miss seeing everyone, but we’re looking forward to spending Christmas at home.”
2. Ask people to come to you.
If you actually do love spending time with your relatives, friends, and other loved ones, and you really want to make it happen but also manage the stress level, then you can ask people to stop by your house for a holiday visit. This option gives you a little more control (baby can sleep where they are comfortable, you can place hand sanitizer throughout as you see fit, you can feed baby where you like, you decide what food to serve, etc.). You could even call it a “drop-in” to send the message that you don’t expect people to stay very long.
3. Accept that this holiday season will not look like holidays of pre-baby life.
Your life has changed forever, so depending on where you are in your child's life, developmental stages can dictate much of what your days and nights look like. If your baby is still eating every two to four hours, you and your partner may still be feeling sleep-deprived. If you’re six months in and baby is sleeping for five to six hour stretches, you may be up to celebrating a little. Whatever your unique situation, know that your holiday experience will not look like it did last year, and next year (and the year after that . . .) will be different still. Lean into the uncertainty and focus on the both/and. This season is what it is and will be both joyful and exhausting, both exciting and draining, both fun and overwhelming.
4. Know that traditions evolve over time.
11 months into motherhood and still sleep-deprived, I have only a very fuzzy memory of this photo shoot.
You don’t have to have it all figured out this Christmas. Decide with your partner what is important to you now (baby’s sleep and feeding schedule, getting rest yourself, visiting family, etc) and discuss how to manage the holidays together. Try not to worry about getting the perfect family photo for the Christmas card. So what if the cards arrive after Christmas, just in time for Valentine’s, or not at all? You have life’s biggest adjustment on your hands, so think about what you envision for next year, but don’t allow your future wishes to turn into present-day anxiety.
5. Just do your best.
Your best probably looks vastly different each day, depending on a number of factors, most of which are beyond your control. Take care of you, knowing that if you get a little more sleep tonight, you can feel a little less anxious. You can take a walk, get some fresh air, hand off baby to someone in your support network (or take baby with you), and do some little things that help you feel more confident in your new role. Decide with your partner what your little family needs from each other, be patient with each other, show love to each other, and move forward into the unknown of 2019 together as a team.
If you are a new mom in North Carolina or South Carolina and would like some professional support or are wondering if you may be suffering from postpartum depression or anxiety, schedule your free consultation call here, and let’s chat to see if we’re a good fit.